You Cannot Pour From An Empty Cup
You cannot pour from an empty cup, except it’s so easy to believe that you can. That it only applies to everyone else, and we need to be the ones ensuring they’re not pouring from an empty cup.
That contradiction hit home for me recently…
➜ I’m trying to stop my daughter from burning out with revision. Telling her that she can’t keep going without a break. That 5 minutes isn’t long enough and she needs a change of scenery and focus.
➜ I struggle - really struggle - to book more than 5 minutes in for myself unless there’s something or someone to keep me accountable. I will keep going without a pause.
Pot. Kettle. Black?
I’m learning that I’m no good at taking my own medicine.
But I’m trying not to beat myself up because I do do small acts of self-care each day. Maybe I need to be more present in those times, or do them more mindfully.
When the notion of self-care first came up (at the start of our inpatient journey), my reaction was, "Well I've been single-parenting since 2010, so when exactly am I supposed to find the time to do that?" I'm sure I'm not the only one – whatever your parenting or caring situation – who feels like there just isn't enough time in the day. And I'm partly still guilty of that now.
But what struck me was how consistently this message appeared wherever I looked for support. The Non-Violent Resistance training emphasised it. Jenny Langley made it a cornerstone of her Carer Skills Workshops. Every webinar I attended about eating disorders and OCD - all the resources aimed at parents and carers like me - kept coming back to the same fundamental point: you need to look after yourself too.
It wasn't that I needed convincing - I could see the logic straight away. The problem was finding the time and energy to do it when everything else felt more urgent.
That's when I realised I was thinking about self-care all wrong. I was picturing spa days and long walks and huge chunks of time I simply didn't have.
Acts of self-care don't need to take huge chunks out of your day. Stopping to breathe and smell the coffee (literally) for 5 minutes can be enough to give you a reset. So when I started to be more intentional in taking those moments to reset, I began to accept that this was self-care.
But.
I’ve posted on social media about some of the things which have helped me through some really tough times. Some of them I still do today. My main ones have been:
· Photography on my phone – for me, it’s up close and personal with flowers, bees and butterflies (when the opportunity and lack of wind allows)
· Journalling – this was something I did for one page every night while my daughter was an inpatient. These days, I’m more inclined to do ‘Morning Pages’ to help clear my head when I wake.
· Colouring apps – I use my ipad and I stick on a podcast or an audiobook (colouring actually helps me to focus better on what I’m listening to)
· Having my first cup of tea of the day in bed, in peace, and without any technology
We juggle so many things. We fight fires and keep plates spinning. But what are we doing to make sure that we are at our most efficient and mentally capable to do these things?
My realisation that I need something to keep me accountable has led me to start my second Tai Chi class. I took my first one back in January and felt endlessly guilty that I wasn’t practising in between sessions. I told myself there wasn’t much point in signing up again if I wasn’t going to ‘use’ it properly.
But I’ve since realised that the class is the practice. It’s my way of booking time in with myself—an hour of calm in the middle of a busy week.
And going back into it now, I find myself appreciating that time even more. It feels like I’m thanking myself for making the commitment to my own wellbeing.
What do you do, every day, to help keep your cup topped up? And if you don’t do anything, what one small thing could you do to let you breathe a little? After all, you do deserve to look after yourself as much as you look after everyone else.
