Finding strength through NVR: My journey
Parenting a child with mental health challenges can feel overwhelming, isolating, and at times, hopeless. In this blog post, I share my personal journey with Non-Violent Resistance (NVR)—a powerful approach that gave me tools, hope, and a renewed sense of connection with my daughter during her inpatient stay. I found ‘my anchor’.
Non-Violent Resistance (NVR)
I first heard about NVR when my daughter was an inpatient. I remain ever-so-thankful that I was able to complete the programme twice in six months, before she was moved to a different hospital. It was the only real training and help I received throughout her illness—before admission, during her long admission, and after discharge.
At first, I was sceptical. I didn’t understand how it could possibly help. But with everything having gone online during COVID, so no excuse for not attending, I had nothing to lose—and everything to gain.
NVR is a parenting approach that enhances adult presence in a young person's life, helping build stronger, calmer relationships. It was developed by psychologist Haim Omer and draws on peaceful principles once used by leaders like Gandhi and Martin Luther King. NVR is especially helpful in situations involving aggression, self-harm, and social withdrawal.
Key Principles of NVR That Make The Difference:
The core ideas of NVR act as pillars of strength—steady supports that help parents stay grounded in the storm of challenging behaviours and emotional overwhelm.
Avoiding violent reactions: Responding calmly to conflict.
Ending the struggle: Recognising that ongoing battles aren’t helping.
Being open: Sharing what you’re going through instead of hiding it.
Recruiting supporters: Building a trusted circle to lighten the load.
Unconditional reconciliation: Choosing healing, regardless of outcome.
Our group of parents met weekly for nine sessions. These meetings were based on simple but powerful ideas:
(Re)Building relationships: Strengthening connection even in tough times.
Looking after yourself: Practising self-care so you can stay strong.
Parental presence: Being there emotionally and physically when possible.
Sit-ins: Calm, quiet presence after difficult moments.
Relationship gestures: Small signs of love that build bridges.
Announcements: Naming the behaviours you will no longer accept.
Supporters: Involving others to help carry the emotional weight.
Baskets: Prioritising which battles matter most.
De-escalation: Staying calm when things get heated.
What Helped Most When Things Were Hard
Two strategies helped me most: raising my presence and using relationship gestures.
At the time, my daughter was 45 minutes from home, and COVID had restricted our visits. Initially, I could see her as often as I wanted, but in the second hospital, visits dropped to just one hour a week. Being ‘present’ became crucial (and hard). I made sure she remembered home and knew we hadn’t forgotten her.
I sent her messages every day—photos, encouraging notes, and even videos of me playing the piano. I began collecting Squishmallows and selecting comforting items from home—doing my best to work within the hospital’s increasingly long list of restricted items.
The concept of baskets also helped immensely. There were so many behaviours I wanted to challenge, but this tool taught me to prioritise and focus on one key issue at a time. It helped me avoid overwhelming her with constant correction.
One NVR tool I used was an announcement to address her excessive movement (pacing and jogging) during my visits. I explained I could no longer accept this and shared what I would do if it continued. Despite being in the grip of an eating disorder that compelled her to move constantly, she heard me. Her response? "I love you mummy."
That moment showed me the power of setting boundaries with love. It also led me to create a written contract to encourage daily contact with her siblings, which worked well for a while.
Another game changer? Self-care. I learned to take five-minute breaks, step out of the room during tough visits, and find peace in simple walks with the dogs. These small acts made a big difference to my own wellbeing.
The Harder Parts—For Me
What didn’t work so well was building a support network. During COVID, it felt wrong to ask for help when everyone was already overwhelmed. I wish I had been more open with the people closest to me—but I didn’t want to burden them. This is still a work in progress.
Why I’m Sharing This With You
In a nutshell, NVR gave me tools to survive and stay present during one of the hardest times of my life. It’s because of how much it helped that I want to share this with you.
If you’re a parent or carer feeling like you’re drowning in the sea of mental illness, inpatient services, or difficult behaviours—you are not alone. NVR might just offer the anchor you need.
The Lasting Benefits of NVR
For me, the effects of NVR have been like ripples spreading out from a stone dropped into still water. What started as small, purposeful steps—choosing calm, making announcements, setting boundaries—have gently extended into all areas of our life: our relationship, the feel of our home, and even how I look after myself.
Here are just a few more things NVR has offered me:
Empowerment: I feel more in control, even in chaos.
Consistency: I respond more calmly and predictably.
Long-term growth: The strategies continue to shape how I relate to my daughter and the rest of my family.
NVR didn’t fix everything overnight, but it gave me a way to stand steady during the shitty times. The tools helped me hold onto connection when things felt impossible, and they still help me today.